“I’ve got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts – you know, when you lie in the bed awake and replay all those things you didn’t do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing.”
- D.D. Barant, Dying Bites
“Guilt is universal.”
-Tennessee Williams, Sweet Bird of Youth
From the moment I started Furnished Living, I’ve been sharing my caregiving experiences. So many people have told me about what their families have gone through.
Here are some…
Things I’ve never heard:
I’m managing this well.
I’ve figured it out.
I feel good about the decisions I’ve made.
I’m so grateful to have this opportunity.
Things I hear all the time from just about everyone:
I’m not doing enough.
She won’t let anyone else help.
He is so difficult.
When will this end?
In all of these conversations with others taking care of aging parents, no one ever feels like they are managing it well. It doesn’t matter if they see a parent every day or twice a year, it never feels like enough. I know about this first-hand.
Despite the fear that I would pull my father’s arms out of the sockets, as I hauled him out of his too-low chair, it never occurred to me to ask a professional how to help him up. My mother has had a lot of falls. I’ve never once been there when she fell, or on the scene shortly after. It always felt “too late.”
While I understand that guilt is a feeling that doesn’t change the situation I have had to find ways to manage such feelings.
I connected with friends going through a similar situation. I met with Rosemary Bakker, interior designer and gerontologist. We sat down with a big sketch pad and designed what we thought would help families to provide comfort simply and safely. And while growing Furnished Living I look for humor to even out the ups and downs. It helps.
I recommend Roz Chaz’s wonderful book, Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant, as a humorous take on a tough subject.
Also, Cecilia Capuzzi Simon’s reporting on caregiving and guilt is an excellent read.